News

There’s a hole in my bucket: managing anxiety and emotional regulation in children

By Sally McMurray, CLEAR SENSE Specialist Education Consultancy
28 January 2021

From feeling a little out of sync to sick to the back teeth, our reactions to the stresses and anxieties of life are natural human experiences. Unsurprisingly, young children and teens can feel this way too, and often. And why shouldn’t they? They may not have the same daily challenges that we parents face, but as growing humans in this big world, they too are up against it. It’s all relative.

Sadly, gone are the days when kids of school age were relatively carefree. Children and young people are constantly bombarded with information, demands, thoughts and decisions to be made. The constant drip-drip of their everyday niggles may seem trivial in comparison to ours, but little things can have a big impact. Imagine a bucket collecting drips of water. Over time it fills and eventually overflows. When that happens, things get messy! The same thing happens with our (and our children’s) emotions. Each little decision, thought and niggle can build anxiety, quickly filling our emotional bucket to tipping point, especially if that bucket is never quite empty in the first place.

For children, the starting level of their emotional bucket may be from historical or present life events. Anxiety stemming from a new school, moving house, bereavement, a new sibling, exam pressures or the confinement of lockdown can lurk around residually. Add to that trickles of water – issues that may seem more mundane, such as difficulties with homework, deadlines, friendships, sibling dynamics, worrying about who to sit with at lunchtime or a comment on social media. It’s easy to see why things escalate and spill over.

More often than not, intuition tells us that an overflow is imminent but children may not be able to articulate the difficulties they are having until it is too late – until the bucket has overflowed. It can sometimes be difficult to see our children as ‘attention-needing’ rather than ‘attention seeking’ at these times. But remember, your child’s challenging behaviour is their way of communicating that they feel out of sorts, or on the edge of an overflowing bucket – that they feel overwhelmed and emotionally unsafe.

When under stress, the human brain resorts to primal reactions; we cannot always articulate what is going wrong for us and instead we show our discomfort through our behaviour. This can be very different from person to person. Storming off, slamming doors, physical symptoms like tummy ache, nausea, aches and pains, not eating/eating too much, withdrawing, becoming verbal/physical, refusing, lacking motivation, shutting down and meltdowns are all attempts to manage emotional turbulence. Rather than expecting our children to be able to stop mid-flow, our challenge is to be able to notice when the emotional bucket is filling and to act.

Let the water out!

While go-to sanctions for children’s overflowing behaviour may have varied across generations, in today’s society, teaching children and young people emotional awareness and self-care techniques to recognise and manage their emotions is critical in helping them to learn how to manage their anxieties. A useful way to go about lowering emotional levels is to imagine the bucket of water with holes drilled into it at intervals. The water can drain out, reducing the level in the bucket, right? Opportunities that encourage an emotional release for our children work in the same way – and the good news is that we can follow this idea through for ourselves too. There are many different ways to soothe our emotions and our anxieties. We often refer to this as ‘downtime’ but all too often we confuse stimulants for relaxation. Encouraging your child to move away from screens towards lower-tech alternatives for downtime is a challenge, but small changes can have a big impact.

What’s important?

  • Drill those holes! Make opportunities to try soothing activities that support emotional regulation. Emotional self-care activities can look very different. Discover which activities suit you and your child best – remember, what works for you may not be the same for your child! Be together where you can. Connection rather than correction is key to success here.
  • Be a role model. Talk about how you feel – give that feeling a name, talk about how you are going to look after negative feelings by doing something that makes you feel better. Talk retrospectively about what worked for you, how it helped you feel better.
  • Seek to identify the triggers leading to emotional overflow. Remember that perspective is different and can be transient; what seems a big deal to our children one day might not feel quite so big the next, but that doesn’t make it any less important.
  • Aim to be proactive rather than reactive; pre-empt the triggers. Play to your child’s strengths and interests. Enjoy favourite activities together when your child is feeling calm and content not just when the going gets tough. Talking about your positive feelings and thoughts will reinforce the ‘feel-good’ and your connection together.

Soothe: Lower the levels
in the bucket


Sensory activities  – do what feels right

Physical activities –  release endorphins

Mindful activities –  be present in the moment of what  you are doing
 Move: stroke your pet, chew gum, have a crunchy/chewy snack, drink with a straw, fiddle/fidget toys, stress balls,  rock/bounce on an exercise ball, walk, run, dance, play sport, yoga, stretch, weights, trampoline, swim, go  outdoors – move in the space

 Temperature: take a bath/shower, hot water bottle/cool pack, warm/cool drink, open/close a window, seek fresh air, wrap up warm, peel off layers

 Comfort: massage, cuddle or hug, take a nap, duvet time, weighted/heavy blanket, change into comfy clothes/wear close-fitting clothes, go barefoot, lie on a   hard surface

 Environment: listen to music, sing, read/listen to a story, be quiet, wear earphones

 Play: construction kits, board games, bead-threading, make a TikTok together, imaginary play, treasure/scavenger hunt, karaoke, VR gaming, water or sand   play, playdough, gloop, puzzles

 Create: baking cooking, gardening, craft activities, draw, paint, play an instrument

 Notice: go outdoors – notice nature, cloud watch, mindful breathing, collect objects

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